warriorsfanficfandomcom-20200213-history
Talk:Innocence is Bliss
Mmm, I'm quite interested in your story so far. ^^ I noticed four little mistakes, though; '"I'm dieing!" she whispered.' (Dieing = dying) 'and she was pregnant with our leader Dawnstars kits.' (our leader Dawnstars kits = our leader, Dawnstar's kits.) 'Rosetail was my mothers sister and the clans medicine cat.' (my mothers sister = my mother's sister & the clans medicine cat = the clan's medicine cat) Other than that, I think it's very nice so far. I'll be eagerly awaiting more! (Pardon if I'm a bit harsh... hanging around fanfiction.net can do that to you. ^^) [[User:Shigura|'Squall Leonhart' ]]"M a y b e . I ' m . a . L i o n .x" 00:51, August 11, 2010 (UTC) Okay. The guy above is right, it's good. But I've noticed a few more mistakes: squirmed until I let go of his tail, "That hurt!" he yowled, "GET HER!" = tail. "That hurt!" he yowled. "GET HER!" chargered after me. = charged after me. "Mother help!" = "Mother, help!" my litter mates with one paw. = my littermates with one paw. his nose and she fell onto her back. = his nose and he fell onto his back., or her nose and she fell onto her back. she let out a horse meow. = she let out a hoarse meow. "I'm dieing!" she whispered. = "I'm dying!" she whispered. crossly hissed. "You kits shouldn't joke = crossly hissed, "You kits shouldn't joke a moon and she was = a moon, and she was leader Dawnstars kits. = leader Dawnstar's kits. our mothers first = our mother's first litter so Patchpetal = litter, so Patchpetal out with us a lot, "Raindrop is right, = out with us alot. "Raindrop is right. she would know = She would know Rosetail," Rosetail = Rosetail." Rosetail mothers sister = mother's sister clans medicine cat. = Clan's medicine cat. over the Riverkit and grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her up, = over to Riverkit, grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her up. "I'm sorry mom," said Riverkit. = "I'm sorry, Mom," said Riverkit. "Can we go outside mom!" meowed Shadowkit. = "Can we go outside, Mom?" meowed Shadowkit. Raindrop nodded and we all = Raindrop nodded, and we all outside only to crash = outside, only to crash the cats leg and = the cat's leg and amber eyes, "Amberpelt!" = amber eyes. "Amberpelt!" let out his yowl and = let out his yowl, and a cave the was = a cave that was of cave etched = of caves etched cave was with a = cave with a Riverpaw and my own name, = Riverpaw, and my own name, all given mentors to see who = all given mentors, to see who Shadowpaws mentor = Shadowpaw's mentor Stonetail and = Stonetail, and Yeah. Sorry if I sound rude or offensive, but you may want to look into fixing these... Anyway, I don't mean to be rude or offensive, so don't yell at me, please. Watch Out! Rosie's Got A Wiki! 01:54, August 11, 2010 (UTC) Lets not take up the whole talk page by pointing out flaws...we should be critiquing her story. I'' like it. Sandwich989 05:28, August 11, 2010 (UTC) I do like it! It's just, I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to ignore those things. Watch Out! Rosie's Got A Wiki! 23:03, August 11, 2010 (UTC) Ya sorry, I wanted to go over this, but I had to leave and I didn't want everything to be deleted so I saved in with the intention to come back to it, but my brain is fried and I forgot. Plus, stink at grammar, if it was a class, I would be failing.--'WillowwhispGOWARRIORCATS''' 20:39, August 12, 2010 (UTC) Grammar is a class in the two schools I've been at. XD Watch Out! Rosie's On The Wiki! 17:03, August 14, 2010 (UTC) At mine we only do some in english, but not really 03:04, August 15, 2010 (UTC)